Defining True, Authentic Masculinity

Our local radio station recently asked a trivia question, “What don’t they make like they used to?” The number three answer was “men.”

Our present day is divided on what it means to be a man, but most people agree on one thing–our society has a lack of true masculinity.

The Diminishing of Masculinity

Modern culture attempts to downplay masculinity and get rid of gender-specific traits. Many TV shows now portray fathers as bumbling and inept. The once-revered image of the strong, wise provider has been replaced by a caricature of male incompetence.

The pushback against traditional masculinity is, in part, a response to the harm caused by some men throughout history. Many patriarchal societies have led to the suppression of rights and equality for women. Cultures of abuse have risen within companies and organizations dominated by male leadership. These abuses of power are evil, and the world has rightly fought back against them.

However, as is often the case when reacting to significant wrongs, there's a risk of overcorrection. In the fight to get rid of abuse, we’ve lost what it means to be a real man. Men are pushed to be fearful, passive, and ruled by their emotions. The culture has stymied the natural traits within men.

But we don’t need to merely salvage traditional masculine stereotypes.

There is a side to old-school masculinity that lacks authenticity. Sayings like, “Real men don’t cry,” capture this. There’s an idea that you must put up a wall, not let people in, and try to convince everyone that you are tough. But this isn’t authentic masculinity either, it’s simply fake.

We must reclaim the importance of traditional masculine values while throwing out some of the harmful aspects that are often associated with them. In short, we must build a new and robust definition of masculinity to face the changing demands of the current culture.

What is a Real Man?

When you think of what makes a “real man,” what traits come to mind? While there are many different aspects of masculinity, let’s focus on four of the most important:

• Leadership

• Integrity

• Protection

• Courage

Leadership

Everyone is a leader to some extent. Even if you’re not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you have circles of influence that require leadership: family, work, friends, and community groups.

Men have different personalities and not everyone is an outspoken extrovert with what we might call “natural leadership.” Even if that’s not you, you can still be a leader through your actions. You can be the first to make the right decisions, and this will earn the respect of others, prompting them to follow.

Integrity

True leadership starts with integrity. It’s one thing to tell people what to do, but it’s another thing to be a model of what to do. If you are consistent in every circumstance, then people will naturally follow you.

Integrity also involves authenticity. If you are struggling, it’s okay to let people know what’s going on and to ask for help. You don’t need to be fake and act tough. This only pushes people away. You’re a human and you have emotions, so it’s ok to show them when appropriate.

Protection

I believe that one reason men have more muscle mass, bone density, and tend to be more aggressive, is to be protectors. Society is more civilized than it was hundreds of years ago–we don’t need to fend off bears or barbarian raiders. But we still must protect those weaker or less fortunate than us.

Protection requires empathy and an awareness of who needs to be protected. This is where many men go wrong. They might be strong leaders, but what value is that if you leave a trail of hurt and resentful people in your wake? The only people that should be hurt are those who try to hurt the ones you love.

Courage

Courage means doing what’s right when no one else wants to. Sometimes that means going to war to protect your family. More often it means speaking up for the defenseless, standing firm on your convictions even when your company is pressuring you to give in, or waking up early to work on yourself and build a better future.

Two Sides of the Masculine Coin

Most men fall on a continuum between passivity and aggression.

Each side has its positives and negatives. Those who lean towards the aggressive side tend to display strong leadership qualities. These individuals are the initiators, the confident voices in the room, and they can be a positive force in their families and spheres of influence. But on the downside, men who lean on the aggressive side can lack empathy, have a temper, and sometimes hurt people.

On the other end, passive men may suppress their more traditional masculine drives but can be more empathetic and authentic.

True masculinity is neither passive nor aggressive. Instead, it contains the positives of each side without its negatives. This is the ideal to strive for.

We love those movie scenes where someone with great power gets harassed, while the perpetrators are oblivious to the hero’s real power. Terminator, Spider-Man, and kung fu movies often feature a scene like this. It’s a common trope, and yet it still draws us in.

We have a certain fascination with power under restraint. We also love stories where the macho character displays tenderness—the marine who must take care of babies, or the superhero who spends time with his daughter.

We intuitively value both sides of authentic manhood.

How to Be a Real Man

How do we take action and become better men?

We must be honest with ourselves about where we are lacking. What traits are you weak in? Do you tend towards passivity or over-aggression? Once you've identified these areas for improvement, take proactive steps to work on yourself. If you lean towards passivity, focus on stepping out of your comfort zone more. If you tend towards aggression, focus on being empathetic in situations where it might not come naturally. Talk to friends and reach out to men that you consider to be wise. Ask them for help and guidance.

Our society is desperate for men to stand out and embrace this brand of authentic masculinity.

Let us know in the comments how you're chasing after masculinity. What are your challenges? What are your successes?