Dads, It's Time to Go to War

Stepping up and being a leader in your family can sometimes feel like a battle, both mentally and emotionally. Being a leader in your family can be exhausting. Every day, we face the challenges and expectations set upon us. As men, we work hard to provide and give our families the best we can, and it can feel as though our efforts go unnoticed. We often don’t get much appreciation back in return.

Navigating the maze of societal expectations is daunting. The culture puts constant pressure on us to conform. “Raise your kids this way,” “Don’t discipline them that way,” and the ever-debated, “Fathers don’t have to be leaders anymore.”

In the face of these pressures, complacency can sometimes feel like the easier choice. It’s easy to take a backseat and let life happen.

However, we must rise to the challenge. But if we aren’t intentional about constantly fighting back against cultural pressures, who else will fight for our families?

What War Are We In?

It's essential to understand the battleground. If you don’t realize we’re in a war, then you’re already losing. We're not talking about battles on the frontline, but more subtle ones that shape our values and beliefs. It’s not a physical war fought with bullets and bombs; it’s a mental and spiritual war fought with every little interaction we have with our families.

Our families form the bedrock of society. The traditional family unit is the foundation of a healthy society. Yet in our ever-evolving world, the family's role has come under scrutiny and is seen as outdated, backward, and downright bad.

Examples of this shift are not hard to find. Just look at the title of this article written over ten years ago: Traditional marriage is dead. Let's celebrate.

We live in a world where thinkers like Peter Singer question the very institution of family. Influential modern philosophers such as him have proclaimed the family as a means of oppression, introducing alternative ideas like community parenting.

Statistically speaking, the family structure is changing too. People are staying single at higher rates and opting for smaller families. But it's not just about numbers. Emotionally, families are facing turmoil. Then, when they do get married and have kids, around half of all marriages end in divorce, tearing families apart and leaving deep emotional scars.

A recent interaction with a counselor friend of mine underscored the emotional cost of a broken family. He shared the heart-wrenching story of a young boy he's working with. His dad decided to leave the family without warning. The trauma and pain are evident, reflecting an all-too-common situation.

It might not be the extreme scenarios of divorce or abandonment. However, cultural pressures may have influenced your family in more insidious ways.

We need to be vigilant. Do you know where your kids are getting their information from?

The media they consume and the people they talk to, shape their perspectives. Do you know the messages that their TV shows are communicating to them? Are you aware of their online interactions on Social Media? How about their browsing habits or the curriculum at their school?

More importantly, it's worth introspecting our roles as parents. Let’s take that a step further. Are you being the role model they need? Are you instilling values and teaching them how to navigate complex issues rationally?

Every moment is an opportunity to impart wisdom. Every interaction we have with our family is a teaching moment–whether good or bad. But here's the harsh truth. Many men are opting out. All too often, men are sitting on the sidelines of their family life. The clock is ticking, and the war is being waged, but they're absent from the battlefield.

How to Fight When It’s Hard

Taking charge isn't always easy, but it's worth it. If I could sum it up in a word–intentionality. Your family's leadership might be influenced by external factors, but are you playing an active role? Someone, or something, is leading your family and teaching your children, and if you’re not directly involved with that process, then it’s not going well.

It's easy to pass the baton. “But my wife handles all of that,” is an excuse that many men resort to.

Raising a family is teamwork. It takes two people to raise a family well. Men and women bring unique strengths to the table. Men, among other things, are gifted with strength, assertiveness, and a natural inclination to lead.

However, a challenge arises when work drains our leadership reserves. One problem is that men exhaust their leadership energy at work. Arriving home, the avalanche of demands can be overwhelming. The allure of relaxation and escapism is tempting. But we can't let that be our default.

Our leadership isn't confined to our professional lives. We must be leaders at home, too.

Proactiveness is key. Think about the barriers that are stopping you from being present for your family. Address them head-on. Maybe it's work stress, or maybe it's fear of confronting issues.

Ways to Be Intentional With Your Family

If you're wondering where to start, here are a couple of strategies:

1. Have Hard Conversations

Opening channels of communication is crucial. To understand your family, dig deep. Merely asking, “How was your day?” won't cut it. Dive deeper.

It's natural to avoid confrontation, but sometimes it's necessary. A principle I learned in a child abuse workshop is vital: “Take risks that minimize danger to kids.” It means confronting questionable situations, even at the risk of being wrong. It's better to make a mistake than to stay silent when something's amiss.

This principle extends to all facets of family life. Knowing the challenges means having those tough conversations.

2. Spend Quantity Time

Quality time is a myth without quantity. Prioritize family time. Resist the urge to fill your calendar with commitments that take you away from home. Reevaluate activities that eat into your family time.

Actions speak louder than words. If your family truly is your priority, ensure your actions reflect that sentiment.

3. Practice Active Listening

Amid the hustle and bustle of our lives, we often hear what our family members are saying without truly listening to them. Active listening is more than just lending an ear; it's about giving full attention, understanding, responding, and remembering.

When your child talks about their day, don’t just nod and offer generic feedback; ask probing questions that show genuine interest. When your spouse shares concerns or joys, resist the urge to give advice or draw parallels to your experiences immediately; instead, acknowledge their feelings and validate their perspectives.

How are you preparing for war? Let us know in the comments below.